I ran across some writing I had done a long time ago in Pastoral Counselling Training I was taking at Laurier University. This is for you, Sarah, with my love and prayers and for anyone else who wishes to read it.
an indwelling, guiding force or spirit
Dearest Numen (Guardian Spirit of my Night),
I thank you for restoring – or perhaps giving – the night to me. I am not afraid of dreaming now. My dreams were always powerful; but mostly frightening. I don’t see them that way anymore. And I can indeed exert some control within the dreams themselves.
Over the past decade, my faith has changed. But the change has been a movement into absolute vastness, humility and awe. I do often feel alone in it, from the human perspective. My Christianity is very, very big; so big that sometimes it scares me. When that happens, I let go again into gratitude and silence. Often, I do not want to put my faith into words. But I see those words when I work with clients, and I use an energy at times that is not of myself. I often feel that I can help effect a spiritual adjustment, a silently agreed-upon manipulation.
I still hunger after more insight and knowledge, and now I get the ‘more’ in ways I would never have thought possible. I abhor getting caught up into disagreements, opinions, judgments and human righteousness. When I am in the right place – and I wish I were there more often – I do not see gender, age or words. I guess I see Soul. And Truth. And I know that I belong to the Love that drives and spins this universe.
And I wish that there were someone who could really understand that and share that with me.
of or characteristic of a spirit;
having a deeply spiritual or mystical effect
Sometimes I come so close to the very seat of mystery. I truly get it, the mystery of life, and it’s gone. But not gone. I think what happens is that insight and awareness transmute like some holy fugue into the Numinous. And, for the most part, the Numinous is wordless. Thus, my new understanding has moved into the realm of the Sixth Sense.
In my expansive moments, which can occur anywhere and anytime, I have come to see into the mystery of where we came from, where we’re going, how we’re connected, what my soul within me is, what my soul outside of me is and, above all, why I’m here. I am beginning to fathom why I have had such magnetic force fields with certain people and places. I love and cherish life. I love and cherish the people I have chosen to move with. I welcome complexity, and I welcome simplicity.
I know that, in simple terms, I have come to the age of wisdom.
I would rather call it what it is – a second childhood. I live in awe. I listen to the birds and to Bach. I drink deeply of the sweet and savory. I talk to God. I hear God. I dance. I sing. I laugh. I cry. I create. I love, I love, I love.
I dwell where we all can, if we pay attention to choices.
I dwell in the numinous.
Good night, dear Numen.